Afraid To Be Loved

I don't exactly have the best luck with relationships.

Let me rephrase that.

Aside from my family, almost every relationship I've had (boyfriend, friend) has failed or ended in a painful way.

I do not mean to be a Negative Nancy today; I just feel the need to give you a basis on my current social life.

For starters, I am a pretty difficult person to handle. Sure I have a lot of friends and my teachers from school use to love me, and I get along fine with coworkers. I'm just able to make myself appear somewhat normal when I know it's appropriate.

Recently I have had issues with my housemates and this has put stress on me, causing built up anxiety. I made some mistakes with these girls and I'm trying to work on a few character flaws, but quite frankly, I constantly feel criticized and have this hunch that they no longer want to be the friends they once were with me. I've come to terms with that, but the lease to my house has not. I still have a few months living with girls that I feel do not like me.

I have had several close friends, many from back home, but after a few years together the sinful company of Jealousy would become a part of our circle, so there was always tension with my relationships. If I won an award, I never felt that a friend was happy for me. If I walked into a room and hear my name coming from a few girls that I hang out with, I would pretent not to have heard. Not to say I was never jealous or that I never spoke unkindly about others. It was just how my circle of friends worked, despite the fact that the relationships were unhealthy.

My ex-ex boyfriend is still my friend but he keeps trying to get back with me out of desperation. I found out that he has been using the same lines or "strategies" to get with my best friend from home. Not the biggest turn on. Regardless of the whole trying-to-get-with-two-girls-who-are-friends thing, he never truly knew me if that made sense. Yeah, we got along just fine and dated for about two years but there wasn't a time that I thought, "Man I really love this guy" it was more of a "I love you like I would love my hot cousin" type thing. Okay, maybe that was a bad/disturbing/incest example but you get what I mean.

Then there was Deedle. We began dating a few years ago and we fell in love. Our young ages made people skeptical at first when Deedle gave me a promise ring, but after a lot of time together even the most critical could see that we had something special. It all came to an end a little more than a year ago. Mistakes on my part were made, there was a lot of fighting, and we broke it off. I naively believed that we would end up back together and we would end up getting married, have a few kids, and live happily ever after.

Okay, I'm known to be a hopeless romantic from time to time. So sue me.

Turns out, Deedle found out some disturbing information about me after I had gone off to school. Like I implied before, I am no Saint and would never try to say otherwise. He decided to cease all comunication with me from then on out and he became extremely bitter. I had heard through the grape vine that he was not the same person he had been a few years ago. He was mean and nasty to people and would always speak unkindly about me.

I got into this habit of praying for him to be happy. My prayers were answered when Deedle got a new girlfriend. She is a cute girl that I use to play water polo with, but I personally was never a fan of her. But he seems happy enough and most of the time I really am happy about that.

Not to say I don't miss Deedle. I use to dream about him everynight, usually nightmares. Sometimes though, I would have dreams that he would fly out and surprise me and tell me he still loved me and wanted to be with me. I'd have this anxious feeling deep in my gut that I would never get over the guy.

Until I met Koto. We met at a hall meeting last year and we became friends. He had a girlfriend who he was extremely devoted to and I knew that he was off limits in the romantic way but we developed a good friendship. He is a brilliant guy with a unique quality to always feel the need to give. He isn't happy unless the people he cares about are happy. He immediately reminded me of my brother Big Doodle, who is extremely intelligent and genuine.  Unfortunately Koto abruptly stopped speaking to me after a few months of being friends. I assumed I made a mistake of some sort, but I later found out that his girlfriend (who attends school elsewhere) didn't want him speaking to me anymore.

In that upcoming November Koto's girlfriend broke up with him on his birthday and began dating someone else a day later. Koto was a heartbroken mess and came to someone he knew he could confide in. Yes, that would be yours truly.  We grew closer over the following months and he became my best friend. I never felt judged or uncomfortable. He would laugh at things that I said that others may find embarrassing ,and would give me advice when needed.

It was obvious that Koto had a crush on me (he would bring me presents and chocolate almost every time he saw me) and I cared for him too, but I always pushed the thoughts away and thought back on my relationship with Deedle. I didn't want to get into anything because I didn't want to hurt anyone- especially a guy who is so amazing.

I am not afraid to love. I am afraid to be loved.

The day I knew Koto loved me was when I became extremely sick. I was ill in almost every way possible (even the really embarrassing ways that nobody should know about) and it wasn't pretty.  He brought over meds, food, (the kinds that I could keep down), gatorade, you name it. He stayed by me until I would fall asleep and check up on me later.

This in truth scared the pants off of me. I did not feel I deserved such treatment, and I even told him so. Koto is stubborn as a mule though and wouldn't hear any of it. Needless to say, he kept on lovin' me.

There were a few instances when I really knew I loved Koto, but they were not as frightening to me as when he made it clear he loved me.

At first I use to tell him we would never become a couple. He would just smile or say ,"Really?" As if he secretly believed I was bluffing.

I'm not sure what is going to happen with us...I like him more everyday and I'm afraid he likes me more as well.

All I know is that I am afraid to be loved. I need to work on this or else I'm going to die an old maid.

And Heaven knows my forte does not lie in cleaning.

Until next time,

Snoodle Doodle Jr.